Hello mustard? (o_hi_o_wasabi) wrote in locowriters,
Hello mustard?

  • Mood:
  • Music:

...And Don't Forget To Breathe

I joined this about twenty seconds ago.
I'm definitely an amateurs writer.
Usually no inspiration. A little too fast paced and always lacking words,
but I don't care. I'm mostly here to read stuff.
And I want feedback on my stuff anyways.
It couldn't hurt... It will probably just help me a little.

Oh, by the way; I'm Casseh. I'm sixteen.
And I'm not a genius.

Here's the beginning of something I randomly thought of last night.
It sucks, but I was bored.


I couldn't believe how fast I'd swallowed those pills. I swear they just all jumped down my throat at once. The first couple of them I took one at a time. I counted. I counted until I started to feel a little better. Next thing I knew, the entire bottle was empty. I could not feel a thing. The buzzing in my ear was overpowering my ability to hear anything else. There's no way I could die this quickly. I wanted it to last as long as I could make it. What could I do that would keep me awake? I'd call Connor, that's what.

I took the phone outside with me after saying goodnight to my parents. When had they gotten home? I brought a blanket and pillow outside and lay down on my deck. Stay awake, stay awake.

"The stars look pretty tonight don't they?"

"Alex? What the hell are you calling me at two AM for?"

"Well... I thought they looked pretty." Was the only thing I wanted to say. They really were beautiful.

"Are you feeling insane? You woke me up you know that?"

"I feel so pretty. I feel like the stars could dance with me, you know, I really like them tonight."

"Is this why you called me?" He mumbled. It seemed like he was trying his hardest not to sound irritated. But having to do that seemed to only make him more mad.

"Please don't be mad." I said. "I just wanted to spend my last hour talking to my boyfriend. Is that too much to ask?"

"What on Earth are you talking about Alex?" His anger turned more to confusion now. I'm not sure which one I liked better.

"I'm not really sure," I giggled "I just love you."

"Is there something wrong?"

"No. I feel almost perfect right now." I smiled "But will you just talk to me?"

"Talk? Sure, yeah. Is that why you called?" He asked, expecting a solid topic.

"Do you remember when you brought me to the movie theater and we saw that movie about those two people who loved each other. Well you know what?" I spoke like a two year old.

He was silent for a moment. I was waiting for an answer. "No. What?"

"I really liked that." He couldn't see it, but my grin was overpowering my face "I liked how it reminded me of us. Do you think we'll ever get married? Or have children? I'd really like that. I really want that. I'm not sure if I'll make it that far though. Connor, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to cause any trouble but it was too hard to say no."

"Do you want me to come over there?" He asked me through a very loud yawn. It echo'd through my mind. I swear, my body was making swirls in the black air. There was a bit of a fuzz between the phone lines and I could hear only that. If he said anything more, I ignored it.

"Will you watch the sky with me?"

"Alex, you should go to sleep."

"No!" I practically shouted. "I don't feel like sleeping yet. I want to enjoy this. I want... I want to live just a little longer."

"What are you talking about?"

"I swear, I can hear you breathing." I replied.

"That's only because I'm breathing into the phone. There's something wrong isn't there? Did you do anything I should know about?" I think he was suspecting something. I don't know how he figured it out so quickly.

"They were the only pills I could find." I admitted. I wasn't sure I'd liked spilling my guts out to him. But I guess I couldn't take it back because I couldn't hear him breathing anymore. It just cut short, like someone punched him in the stomach. I was amused by that.

"How many did you take?" He asked. It sounded as if he was half-hoping he was over-reacting but also expecting the opposite.

"Wow... I don't know. I counted up to 12 but then after that's a blur. I didn't mean to finish them off. I was just bored." Why did the stars keep shifting?

"Where are you?"

"I'm at home."

"Where at home?"

"I'm on my deck."

"I love you Alex. Just do me a favor?"


"Don't fall asleep."

And before I could reply the line went dead. Well now what was I supposed to do? The love of my life has decided to ignore me and go back to bed. Did he tell me he loved me as his last words? I think that's kind of mean. Don't you?

I swear that boy just couldn't take a hint. After I tell him about my over dose, he decided to tell me not to sleep and go back to bed? That's ridiculous, doesn't he know he's the only one who could keep me awake? I'm too lonely for this. Why do things like this happen to me? I didn't want to die. I really did need to stay awake. But where was my lover to comfort me? Sleeping, that's where.

I can't help it. I'm crying, I know it. But why can't I feel the tears on my cheek? Why can't I feel the pain in my head but yet somehow I know that it's there? Why can't I hear myself sob? Why can't I feel or hear anything but a buzz in my ear and my heart beating? I've never been so numb before in my life. I admit, it was an amazing release away from reality... But is this how it happens when you die?

Well, I guess whatever it was... I didn't like it. I don't feel peaceful, or happy, or good at all. My mind was in a million places at once. I swear I was moving... But my body hasn't budged an inch. What's happening to me?


What? Is that my father? Why is he home? Where am I? Snapping back to reality has never been so dramatic.


"What?" I screeched. My voice sounded like me... But it wasn't me at all. I couldn't even feel myself talk.

"Connor's here."

My eyes bulged out. Why was Connor here? It's 2 am. But here he came by my side. He slipped under the blanket with me, placed his head on the pillow next to me. His eyes met mine. He looked worried, but I couldn't think of any reason for him to worry. "You're shivering," he said.

And I was. I'd only noticed now though. I couldn't feel it before.

"I love you sooo much Connor." I smiled. It's so nice to have someone notice how freaked out I was.

"These stars are pretty. You're right."

I turned, confused, to the sky and said: "What about the stars?"

He smirked, put his arm around me shoulder and told me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to listen to the rest of what he had to say but before I could stop myself I was turned on my other side puking up everything I'd eaten over the entire week. I couldn't feel anything but Connor holding my hair back and gently brushing my cheek. I don't know how but slowly and surely, I began to feel better.



I can't stand to see her do this. I'm so scared. She's going to die isn't she? I can't save her.

"Alex, I'm going to call an ambulance."

"No! Please don't do that! I want you to stay with me. I don't want anyone to see me like this."

"I'll stay with you wherever you go. I just don't want to lose you. I can't watch you do this." I picked up the phone next to me and turned it on. But before I could dial the number she grabbed my wrist and begged me not to.

"Just stay with me, okay? You just need to keep me awake. I can do that. We can do that, right?" She pulled closer into me and rested her chin on my chest. "I just want to stay right here."

I could tell that she was beginning to calm down her buzz a bit. It's been about two hours. At least she was sticking to a point now. But that didn't mean anything. She wasn't even close to thinking straight. How could I trust that she'd be okay if she probably couldn't even remember why?

But, I could not say no to her. She was starting to cry. That must mean something right? Shit. I can't stand to see her cry. I clicked the phone off and kissed her cheek.

"We'll try it, okay? That's it."

And then she turned to the side again and puked off of the deck. At least it wasn't on me. As she did this I got up and grabbed her a glass of water and a sweater. When I came back out she'd just finished and was wiping her hand across her face.

"Here." I said and she pulled the sweater over her head and drank from the glass. We lay back together and she kissed me softly. And then not so softly. And then one thing let to another... Well that's one way to stay awake.

I felt like I was taking advantage of her though. Here she was trying to stay awake, well, basically, stay alive and we were having sex. It probably shouldn't have happened but... Well she was really into it.

I couldn't believe her parents didn't wake up. Alex was trying in no way to be quiet. I don't think she realized at all how loud she was actually being. Or how long it lasted.

After that was done, she put her clothes back on and puked a little. That probably should have turned me off in the first place but I really just couldn't bring myself to care. And honestly, while we did it, I'd completely forgotten about her over dose. Shows how much of an asshole I really am. She won't even remember any of this in the morning.

And then the next thing I knew, there was light in the sky. I looked up and started to see something I think I'd never really seen before in my life; The sunrise.

She came back over to me and said, "It's so beautiful... You know Connor, as psychotic as this sounds, I have to say, I think tonight has been one of the best nights of my life."

I looked at her a minute. Unsure of what she was talking about. Was she honestly saying she enjoyed puking every ten minutes? Does she even fully remember everything? Honestly... She was laying out on her deck with her boyfriend in the middle of the night. "Are you being serious?

She completely ignored my question. "And it's not because I tried to kill myself... It's because this is the only night that I've ever actually realized how much I love my life. I love you, and I wouldn't ever want to be anywhere but here, with you, and in your arms."

For some reason, that kind of made sense to me... In a sick and twisted sort of way. I didn't know what to say though, so I just said the only thing that came to mind, "I love you."

"Can you do me a favor?" She smiled

"What's that?"

"Please don't tell anybody about tonight. I've already learned my lesson."

I really shouldn't have agreed to that. Her parents should know. What if she wasn't really back to normal yet and didn't mean it? What would happen the next time she doubted her life? Would she try this again? Her family should know. Her friends should know too. It's will be disturbing to see her friends acting natural toward her after tonight.

But at the same time, why should I worry everyone? She could be serious right now. And I honestly did trust her. I trusted that she'd never try this again. Her parents would only make things worse by pressuring therapy and suicide watch. She'd hate them. She'd hate me.

"Alright. It'll be our secret."

And we lay even longer under the sky. There were so many colours it was hard to keep track of what was going on. It was so bright and vibrant too. It really was beautiful. After awhile, the birds started chirping. The sun was fully up now. Warmth took over and we decided it was time to get up. When we opened her patio door, the only thing echoing through the silence of the house was her alarm clock.

It was weird to hear that, our entire night was built upon the sounds of only us. And now we were brought back to reality. It was sad really... And yet I was so happy, because we'd actually made it through the night.

Alex and I walked into her room. Her bed was a mess, there were clothes scattered on the floor and her TV was still on. It was as if she was there all night. I felt weird. But I felt good.

"You know... I never expected to come back here." She said. I wasn't expecting that. She could probably tell I was thinking that from the shock and confusion on my face.

She pulled off her sweater and walked over to me. She started to kiss me hard again, but I knew we weren't going very far. I pulled off her shirt, took off her pants and pulled away. "You need a shower."


That's it so far.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic